I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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