Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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