he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
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... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
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When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize