I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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