I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
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School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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