I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
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You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Boobs are out for the taking
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Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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