I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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