someone threw a dead crab at me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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