Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
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I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
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