Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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