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fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
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