One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
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They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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