Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
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At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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