After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
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well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
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I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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