Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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