i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
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I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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