The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
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If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
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You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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