You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize