you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize