Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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