woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
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How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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