Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
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I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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