I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
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Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
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Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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