Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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