I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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