did you get engaged???
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
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Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
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just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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