Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
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Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
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