I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i need some magic done to my vagina
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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