my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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