my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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