you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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