I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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