First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize