I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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