I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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