take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize