I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
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just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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