My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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