How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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