How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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