Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize