After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext me about skeletons
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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