Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize