So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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