Welp...herpes.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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