I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
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Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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