Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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