Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
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Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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