the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
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I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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