WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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